Haunted
by madkin
Summary: The dreams about Michaela were torture. Being with her felt so amazing and waking up felt like the worst kind of hell. / One-shot


_A/N: Like I said I'm obsessed, so here's another one-shot type thing. Let me know what you think._

* * *

Jared jolts up in bed. He blindly reaches beside him but the other side of the bed is painfully empty. It's been almost 6 months since Michaela went missing and the police officially declared it a cold case yesterday. He'd shrugged it off with everyone. After all, Michaela had been gone for months. What difference did it make if the government stopped looking for her plane? If his nightmare was anything to go off of, it made a big difference.

A new layer of hopelessness settled over him when he saw the news on TV. He knew she was most likely dead. He knew he'd probably never know what happened. But he'd had hope. A last flicker of hope that maybe they would find her or at least find out what happened to her plane. Not anymore.

He was still in love with her and he didn't know how to stop being in love with her. Some work buddies had encouraged him to go out, try dating but he'd bailed every time. It felt like cheating. He was ready to commit to Michaela for the rest of his life. How was he supposed to move on from that? One day, she's his forever and the next she's supposed to be some girl he dated. Maybe he should be a male-spinster. He could focus on work and get that chocolate lab they'd always talked about. Michaela believed in soulmates. He should honor that.

* * *

Jared groans as his eyes squinted open. The dreams about Michaela were torture. Being with her felt so amazing and waking up felt like the worst kind of hell. Everyone told him that with time it would get easier. The weight would lessen and the pain would dull and she would consume his thoughts less. They were right in a sense. After a year, he was feeling more like himself and he was making progress in his life again. He moved into a new place a few months ago. The lease was up and he couldn't keep living in the apartment where they'd once lived together, so with Lourdes help, he packed up all of Michaela's stuff and gave it to her parents. Her whole life fit into boxes. That never made sense to him.

As he moved into the new apartment, he learned that there was so much he did, so many habits he had that all came from Michaela. He leaves a blanket folded over the back of the living room couch because Michaela was always cold. He buys a dish and places it by the door to hold his keys and wallet. He never used to do that until Michaela got so fed up with him losing his keys that she bought some bowl from Target and insisted he leave them there. He uses Brita now because Michaela didn't drink tap water. He folds all his clothes and puts them in drawers simply because Michaela hated hangers. All these stupid little things that are so insignificant but have ingrained themselves so deeply into his life that he can't remember a time when he didn't do them.

So his question was when would Michaela stop haunting him? If she was in where he put his keys and how he drinks his water, then when was he going to be able to live his life without her absence coloring his every moment? He never wanted to forget her. That's not what he was saying. He wants to remember every moment with her, but how does he live his life when all he can feel is where she's supposed to be but isn't?

* * *

Jared wakes up in a cold sweat. Another dream about Michaela. He gets them less and less as the years' pass, but he doubts they'll ever go away completely. He'll be 85 and still dreaming about her. The dreams have become almost comforting. It's a piece of Michaela that will never get taken away from him.

However, this is one night he really wishes she hadn't infiltrated his subconscious. He supposes that was a pipe dream though because he married Lourdes today. It was one of the happiest days of his life but there was also something gnawing inside him reminding him this was supposed to be Michaela. He tried to honor her. He wore her favorite cufflinks and the mismatched socks she got him for his birthday. It sounds stupid to do that on the day he married another woman, but it felt wrong to do nothing. Since he and Lourdes have gotten together, friends and coworkers over the years have defaulted to downplaying his relationship with Michaela. She's no longer talked about as the love of his life or his dead fiance. Now she's just a girl he was in love with. He supposes it's their way of supporting his relationship with Lourdes but it makes him uncomfortable. He still thinks Michaela was the love of his life and, after years of going back and forth with himself, he thinks she was going to say yes. If Michaela had gotten off that pane, he would have happily lived the rest of his life with her. But she hadn't so he moved on. He doesn't mean to make it seem like Lourdes is his second choice. He loves her, he's in love with her, he sees the rest of his life with her. There's no one else he'd rather be marrying. Even as he thinks that, he know they would never have happened if Michaela had gotten off that plane.

He thought about asking Lourdes if she wanted to do something together to honor Michaela but ultimately bit his tongue. Lourdes never brought up the idea and he didn't want to make her feel like she was just a stand-in for the woman he really wanted. Because she wasn't. Lourdes was an amazing woman he was in love with and lucky to be loved by in return. It just didn't change how he felt about Michaela. Michaela will always hold his heart in a way Lourdes doesn't. Michaela was the first (and he'd hoped the only) woman he'd felt ready and excited to share the rest of his life with. She was it for him long after she disappeared.

Guilt used to nag at him so consistently that it gave him chronic migraines. He felt like he was betraying Michaela but he also felt like he was betraying Lourdes. It was Michaela's mom in her last months who helped him come to terms with the fact that he might always be in love with Michaela but that didn't tarnish or invalidate the love he felt for Lourdes. In her unwavering support and understanding, she gave him the permission to propose he didn't know he was looking for. It took him another year but he knows he would never have done it if not for Michaela's mom. He wishes she had been alive to see this day but he likes to think that she was with Michaela. He doesn't actually believe in an afterlife but it's a comforting thought nonetheless.

* * *

Lourdes sleepily pats Jared's arm as he startles awake. Staring wide-eyed at the ceiling, Jared takes deep breaths as he tries to control his heart rate. That was the first dream since she'd been back. He expected it to happen sooner but he supposes 10 days isn't that long when you think about it.

There's something slimy about dreaming of Michaela now. When Michaela was gone, the dreams were just the ghosts of a past life. A side effect of losing someone you loved. Now he's dreaming about the woman who was his first choice to spend the rest of his life with and she's very much alive and part of said life.

Lourdes knew about the dreams. It was something he was fine sharing with her when he thought Michaela was dead. Lourdes was who he went to when memories of Michaela were haunting him, but now that Michaela was back, it felt like he was betraying his wife.

It wasn't a sex dream. They're almost never about sex. They're memories. They're 'what ifs'. And then there are the nightmares. The ones where he sees her plane crash down in flames. He sees her bloody, mangled body trapped in the ruins. Her burnt corpse laying on a metal slab. He hopes the images of her corpse will fade now.

Tonight he saw his whole life with her. The call from the airport saying yes to his proposal. The small wedding with Michaela's mom before she was sick. Moving into a new place and bickering over what couch to buy and which carpet matches the decor. Celebrating becoming detective, both of them. Talking about kids and getting a few pets. Going on family vacations when they're 80.

Married men shouldn't have dreams about their exes, but he especially shouldn't be dreaming about the life he could have with Michaela. Because he's very aware that he could still have it. Not that Michaela would take him back just like that, but he's only 35 and been married less than a year. He doesn't have any kids. Practically, it's not too late for him to have that life with Michaela. Then he reminds himself of his wedding vows. He meant them. He loves Lourdes. They have a good life together and he was a happily married man until Michaela came back. He wasn't unhappy now. That was what made it so fucked up.

The most confusing part was that she wasn't a different person now. Five years had passed for him and he'd changed and experienced new things. Michaela was the same person with all the quirks and passion and baggage she had the day he proposed. The exact woman he fell in love with and wanted to spend his life with. If there was any hitch in his - hypothetical - thoughts of getting back with Michaela, it was him. He had changed. Maybe Michaela wouldn't want to be with him now. Maybe he'd changed too much. Maybe they were in too different of places. He stays up all night afraid of what he'll see when he closes his eyes.


End file.
